dear Ms. Peirano,

My wife and I come often together, because you care, in my opinion, too much of our 24-year-old daughter (Cleo). Our daughter is quite difficult, she didn’t make her a-levels, was disinterested in school, had no interests and loved to “chill out”. This continues for four years. Our daughter works here and there, can’t handle money and then asks for more. My wife can’t say no and iron, then the account is plain or give her expensive clothes and similar (winter coat, brand shoes, the latest iPhone). A year ago, Cleo is finally moved out, so that the Problem has something removed. I had hoped that we have finally more time and attention for each other. Far from it! We still have a 28-year-old son, who is self-employed. I’m now in semi-retirement and would have more air for joint ventures.

my wife turns But still Cleo. She’s on the phone every day with her and then suggests Jobs that will help you with the apartment search, and is then offended and concerned, if it brings nothing or Cleo is again ungrateful, more money demands and also dishonest. She has not paid the rent for her apartment, because she has only worked a little. My wife stepped in, because she was worried the apartment Known, and no Trouble with the well-Known would like to have. Now my wife pays the rent for the large part, although it was agreed that Cleo is wearing are the rent itself or to a sub-tenant to look for.

I can financially say anything against it, since my wife has already inherited early from their parents estate.

I can’t see how my wife of Cleo wrap, and a carefree dissolute life. Cleo must take their lives into their own hands, but it is always wrapped in cotton wool.

My wife and I argue often about it. My relationship with Cleo is not tense, because I approve of what you are doing with your life. But from me you want to know anything, but she turns to my wife, because she gets there and meets your needs.

What can I do for my wife to stop me?


Torsten W.

Dear Torsten W.,

It must be very unnerving, in your family, so alone. You have presented this phase of life is quite different than it is now. Her Plan was to discover much with your wife to the company and the togetherness and enjoy, because your kids are grown up now.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).

missing But: your daughter is a challenge, apparently, your wife every day, and she makes little effort to stand on their own feet. Your wife will not be able to differentiate, or would like to against the claims of her daughter, and therefore, they are not as the bogeyman that supports his daughter and no understanding for their difficulties.

I wonder all the time: How is it actually come to that, your wife calls from Cleo so little power and so little against, you must be able to differentiate? The ratio of your wife Cleo was always like that or it came only in the course of Childhood? And how is your wife your son has?

Often the guilt feelings of a parent are the cause of this is that children are very spoiled and pampered. Many parents feel guilty if they are separated or divorced, not so much time for their children to have or have had or if you think you have in the education of the children. If a child is chronically ill (e.g., an eating disorder, depression, a psychosis or a physical disorder such as epilepsy, chronic inflammatory bowel disease), tend to the parents, your child will not grow up to be. You don’t trust your children to be alone with difficulties – and the children rely often on the mother or the father, rather than being active themselves. To meets one of the above factors on Cleo’s Childhood?

you Have a guess why your wife, your daughter, no limits can be set? Meanwhile, the unhealthy dance of mother and daughter in the Form of a vicious circle, because Cleo for your unselbststän speed, Begging her and her passiveness from her mother will be rewarded. Therefore, it shows more unselbststän speed, Begging and passivity, and her mother needs to engage more.

A few examples: Cleo the baccalaureate screwed up – as a result you can chill out undisturbed, and takes no responsibility for your life to take over maintenance. You need no annoying lesson, you early have to get up and the Serious side of life could meet. Cleo has no money – but you do not want to live with their parents, so she gets an apartment financed. In fact, it was arranged that she has to pay for the apartment itself, but because it is not concerned with the payment of rent to a roommate, your mother. A Problem less.

Cleo learns from the fact that you have nothing to worry about, because as if by magic, everything is balanced. This is for your self-esteem very negatively, because what you should be proud of? What it has achieved, what difficulties she has bitten?

Is your wife aware that you are hurt by your “help,” Cleo more than your benefits?

What happened to your wife in your own life story and what it means for the early Inheritance in this context? Died, the parents of your wife early and she felt alone, so you want your own daughter to be alone save? Or has inherited your wife from living parents early, so she has it easier in life, and your desires can be meet? It would be worthwhile to investigate this pattern. May be the pattern “we must make our daughter’s life easy” through the generations.

you ask me to penetrate as you, yourself, your wife finally can. It is difficult, because your wife is holding tenaciously to its view that it must support as a good mother to a difficult child. Unfortunately, it goes only superficially to Cleo. Actually, your woman draws the greatest Benefit from this story: you will feel through your difficult child used and can save you. Maybe you will be admired by your environment, and regrets, and may present itself as a strong mother with an important task. Apparently, your woman currently has little aspirations to run your own life with them – and so they cling to their problematic daughter, in order to stabilize.

The problematic pattern has been sanded over the years. Your wife is blind. Basically, you need a psychotherapy to self-find out, how co-dependent she is of her daughter. You as a Partner could do everything to identify the Problem at home and the consequences. The will not listen to your wife, because it is questioning their purpose in life. It would be good if you can manage to motivate a woman to a therapy. Arguments could draw, you would see the despair and concern of your wife Cleo and the question of how it could be Cleo’s best support.

Maybe you can lead at the beginning, also talking with a therapist. You can describe what you perceive. Probably emerged in the therapy quickly, that the Problem lies in the relationship between your wife and Cleo. If your wife feels that the conversations will help her and relieve, could you put the therapy then, too alone to continue.

I hope that you find their suffering to home belonging, and a process in progress can bring, brings for you three again unraveling and order.

Warm regards, Julia Peirano


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